2012 - Best. Movie. Ever. (SPOILERS)

NOT.

Oh my God. Worst movie ever? Without a doubt. It was so bad, I actually enjoyed watching it, so much so that I didn't even mind paying ten bucks for some popcorn and a Mr. Pibb. (The movie was paid for, thank God).

So, I went with one of my best friends. She was given pre-screening tickets by her employers, so we went to check it out. Why not? I mean, we didn't have any high expectations, but, hey, free movie. So we get to the theater, and we have to pass through the movie Nazis who take their job way too seriously. No cell phones allowed, of course. My purse was searched, which I expected, but it still irked me. They performed the "spread you arms and legs" schtick, which I thought was completely unnecessary and uncomfortable. And made an all-too-threatening announcement beforehand that went something along the lines of "If we see any lights from electronics, you will surely die." Like I would want to record this movie. Please.

Anyway, this pre-screening was actually for a charity, and they showed a five-minute video before it started - which, I must say, was the cheesiest, most poorly-made endorsement I've ever seen. It looked like my senile grandmother made it. But alas, a company was actually paid for this footage. Anyway, I'm not here to critique a charity's promotional video. Let's get to 2012.

The best idea I could give you of this movie is this: Imagine you're watching a movie, and the characters are watching a movie, too. The movie that they're watching .... that's this movie. It's the cheesiest, worst acting I've ever seen in my entire life. Except millions of dollars were wasted in an attempt to - I have a sneaking suspicion - make a great parody of an action movie.

The movie begins in shambles, and it ends in more shambles. We're introduced to characters who are seemingly unrelated. We find out of course that *gasp* they are related. Some Indian guy figures out that the core is melting ... yadayadayada ... he knows this other guy who works for the U.S. President and who tries to convince everybody that the world is going to end. Nobody believes him until the crust is splitting in California, etc. This guy has a dad - completely inconsequential to the story - who is on a cruise ship with his old buddy and they play jazz ... bladiblah ... his friend has a family he doesn't talk to .... and enter John Cusack. Hm, I wonder what role John Cusack is going to fulfill. Let me guess. He's some fledgling writer who ends up surviving armageddon? Ding, ding ding!

So John Cusack meets Woody Harrelson's character - fantastic, by the way - and discovers that the world is ending and there are, like, plans for rich people and government leaders to board these arks made by the Chinese (of course). And that's about as much screen time as Woody gets. Totally random. Anyhoo, Cusack takes his kids, ex-wife, and her boyfriend and hauls ass to the airport in a limo, dodging buildings, bridges, semis, and everything else in between. They get to the airport, but -Oh no! - the pilot is dead, and ex-wife's boyfriend has taken two flying lessons. But he manages to get them off the ground, narrowly escaping the crumbling of the earth's crust. I mean, the earth is actually crumbling an inch behind the plane as it speeds down the runway. He manages to land them safely in Las Vegas where the world hasn't started ending yet. I know. Bear with me here.

They hop on the world's hugest plane in Vegas (Mom's boyfriend has to co-pilot), and they make it to China without having to refill, because - get this - the countries have shifted however many thousand miles, and China is now in Hawaii. Wow. God must really want these people to live.

So, anyway, they make it to these arks. Elephants and giraffes are strapped to helicopters flying overhead. I mean, it is just ridiculous. But guess what? They survive the end of days! Amazing, right? I thought so, too.

Between the fabulous acting and the captivating plot, how could I possibly think this was a parody? Hello! How could a movie where the world conquers its own extinction not be a parody? Although this was, by far, the worst movie I have ever seen (I never saw Snakes on a Plane), it was still enjoyable. I give it props for being really funny, whether they meant it to be or not. (They had to.)