Ideal Banking

Am I more satisfied with a bank when all runs smoothly online? You bet your penny-saving pants I am. Let's face it - I haven't seen the inside of a bank in eight months .... and I'm likin' it. I can deposit and withdraw through an ATM, transfer and check my balance online, all of which constitute most of my banking activity, and thank God for direct deposit. I don't like waiting behind the eighty-year-old who takes five decades just to fill out a deposit slip (What's up with the slow pace, old timer? You don't have all the time in the world. Get to steppin'); I'm tired of the banker asking me how I want my cash (Straight up. Whatever. I'm not selling crack); and I'm tired of that cheeky little teller calling me by name like we've been buds for the past three years.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just anti-social. But I have no illusions about my relationship with the bank. They're nice to your face, then they screw you out of money behind your back. And there's no avoiding it. I'm not about to hide my stash in the backyard. This is 2010, people.

I like where I stand with the bank right now. We have a mutual disregard for each other, and a mutual recognition that we need each other. The less I interact with them, the easier it is to forget how much money they're costing me. I know, I know, I should be spewing, "Screw the bank! It's my money!" But at the end of the day, I still have my dough in their safe, and it honestly doesn't bother me (Shhh!). What does bother me is that cheeky little teller thinking I want customer service. No! I just want my money. You are a piggy bank. Nothing else. I want you to be as invisible as a piggy-bank. House my money and I'll come dump it out of you when I please. I don't need your stupid Dum-dums. They might shut my kid up for five minutes, but I know it's all a conspiracy. Damn you and your candy, your popcorn, your annoying white smiles, and your manager who comes from behind his marble desk to ask if I need anything (another account, perhaps?) No! I just want my money! .... On second thought, can you find some solution to my dilemma? I want to be as unaware of your existence as possible. How do we accomplish that?

Pssst! .... online banking.